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We need to stop saying “we’re all a little autistic”

CaptainQuirk
Autism

A few years ago, I was the only diagnosed autistic staff member in a special school. The rest of the staff weren’t autistic, but many jokingly claimed to be.

“Oh, that must be my autism,” some would say as they parked their car in the same space each morning. (Meanwhile, I just parked wherever was easiest.)

“Yep, that’s my autism right there,” others would say as they tidied up the staff room in a very specific manner. (Meanwhile, the messiness of my desk was repeatedly criticised throughout my teaching career.)

 

Don’t get me wrong, I was close friends with a lot of these colleagues. But were it not for the anxiety I suffered at the time, I probably would have challenged those remarks.

 

Autistic habits are surprisingly easy to pick up in a special school, since you’re constantly adapting your behaviour to suit your students’ needs. But next time you want to show off your ‘autistic traits’ because you didn’t realise your friend was being sarcastic, first go through the years of social isolation, the lifetime of not fitting in, the confusion of people’s comfort zones, the feeling of being the ‘wrong’ kind of person for not being like everyone else, and the years of having anxiety forced upon you by others. Then you can talk to me about ‘your autism’.

 

Excuse me. I needed that rant.

 

Having been in the online autism community for quite a while now (at time of writing, Autistic Not Weird’s own Facebook community has over 66,000 followers [all links open in new windows]), I’ve noticed that one of the biggest frustrations among autistic people is the following question:

 

“Aren’t we all on the spectrum somewhere?”

Well, the answer depends on whether you’re asking a neurologist, or someone with real-life experience of autism. (I’m a big fan of balanced opinions, so it may be best to ask an autistic neurologist. I imagine there’s plenty of them.)

 

The neurological theory is that, because autism is a spectrum, it can be argued that everybody is somewhere on it, even if 99% of them don’t fall within the diagnostic criteria.

The autistic perspective is… well, a resounding NO. If you can’t match an autistic person’s life experience, don’t claim their identity.

 

Because even if the phrase “everyone’s on the autism spectrum” were technically true, it’s very, very misleading.

Like these I found on Reddit. Ah, Reddit users. Don’t ever change.

 

The fact is, people may hear ‘everyone’s on the spectrum somewhere’, and interpret it as ‘everyone’s a little autistic’. Those are two entirely different things. Everyone can technically be on the autism spectrum (in the same way that almost-but-not-quite-pitch-black is technically on the visible light spectrum). But not everyone can be autistic, because the word ‘autistic’ implies that they could literally be diagnosed with autism.

 

How to belittle an autistic person without even trying:

Let’s assume that everyone truly is, neurologically speaking, on the autism spectrum. Even if this is true, the sentence “we’re all a little autistic” remains both damaging and misleading. (Just like the millions of people who say “oh, I’m super OCD about some things!” whilst displaying no genuine traits of real-life Obsessive Compulsive Disorder beyond hating that smudge on their bedroom window.)

 

When you tell an autistic person that “we’re all a little autistic”, I can almost guarantee that their first reaction will be to feel like you’re trivialising their difficulties (and I’m sorry to say it, but they’re basically right. Taking struggles specific to one group of people, then claiming they apply to humans in general, is literally what trivialising means.)

While I’m at it, here are a few other sentences that are socially unacceptable. (Admittedly, I’ve borrowed some from a previous article of mine: “You have autism? Oh, I’m so sorry.”)

“You have learning difficulties? Oh, we all find learning difficult once in a while.”

 

“You have a nut allergy? Yeah, I don’t like nuts either.”

 

“You’re dyslexic? Well most of us can’t even spell that word so we know how you feel.”

 

“You have Alzheimer’s? Don’t worry, we all forget things as we get older.”

 

“You suffer from depression? Well we all feel down from time to time.”

 

Oh, wait. People actually do say that last one.

 

When I last raised the “we’re all a little autistic” subject in Autistic Not Weird’s Facebook community, several followers told me about psychiatrists using the sentence as grounds to deny someone a diagnosis (or at least make one more difficult).

My response would be “yeah, but aren’t we all psychiatrists in some way? I mean, we all have brains, we’ve all learned about them in school, and we’re all fascinated in how they work. I’m sure that makes my experience at least partly as valid as yours.”

 

To be fair though…

Not everyone says “we’re all on the spectrum” to belittle or trivialise. Some say it with the best intentions, almost as a way of saying “don’t worry, you’re not alone”.

But there are better ways of telling someone they’re not alone, rather than falsely claiming to know what they’re going through. Or implying that everyone who ignores them, alienates them, or openly taunts them is ‘autistic’ too. Or making them think there’s no way the general population can ever come to understand them… because if they’re all autistic and still don’t understand, they never will.

 

If you want an autistic person to feel less alone, don’t use a misleading statement that means “we’re all just like you”, when all our life experience tells us it’s simply not true. Instead, ask them for their perspective, and listen attentively to it. Listeners kill loneliness.

 

And to anyone who’s still not convinced, may I present my final case.

Here we go…

 

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, autism-friendly cinema screenings would not be a new thing.

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, shopping centres wouldn’t be so terrifying.

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, the unwritten social rules would be clearer. Maybe they’d even be written down.

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, schools would already know how to cater for an autistic child’s needs, without requiring specific autism training that their budget can’t afford.

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, rates of anxiety and mental health issues would go through the roof.

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, society would be driven more by ‘right and wrong’ than ‘appropriate and inappropriate’.

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, automatic hand-dryers would be banned in public places.

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, fashion designers would be more concerned about how soft and comfortable their clothes are than whether or not they look fashionable. (Oh, and labels would never be allowed to stab people in the neck.)

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, people like me would pass job interviews.

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, people would actually say what they mean, rather than drop subtle hints then blame us for not correctly interpreting the inside of their heads.

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, my career as an autism trainer wouldn’t need to exist.

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, diagnosed schoolkids wouldn’t be bullied for it.

If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, several of my students would never have attempted suicide due to the isolation they felt from the rest of society.

 

And finally, if everyone were ‘a little autistic’, people would understand our social differences rather than try to “solve” them.

 

Well, that’s all from me for this article. Next time you hear someone using the sentence “we’re all a little autistic”, feel free to steal any of the above sentences. Use all of them at once if you want, although this may freak out your conversation partner.

 

Thanks for reading, and feel free to join us on Facebook or take a look at the new series of 3-Minute Autism Advice videos I’m sharing on YouTube. And if anyone wants to help me continue to write for Autistic Not Weird as a job, take a look at the rewards available on Patreon!

 

Take care,

Chris Bonnello / Captain Quirk

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Chris Bonnello is a national and international autism speaker, available to lead talks and training sessions from the perspective of an autistic former teacher. For further information please click here (opens in new window).

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38 Responses

  3. There are some things I find offensive in the way ASD is described. Somehow we are told that we a socially incompetent. I have started saying that our unwritten social rules are different to theirs.

    I listened to ten minutes of your training lecture and thought of the potato example as one of our unwritten rules. It is frustrating to have people ask questions they do not want an answer to.

    The idea many have that we cannot lie is funny. As if. I lied as a child. My son lies. And we are definitely “on the spectrum”.

    Reply

    1. Haha, yep- as I said in the video, the people who claim to have an understanding of “normal” have done some rather odd things in shaping what “normal” is supposed to be. 😉 And yep, some autistic people take lying to a pathological extreme. You know, because we’re all different!

      Reply

    1. There’s quite a big difference between homosexuality and autism. People who say ‘I’m a little bit gay’ can be, are you oppressing the Bisexual community? Finally no one, literally no one, says ‘We’re all a little bit gay’ making your comment irrelevant.

      Reply

  7. I teach Psychology at the high school level and I use a similar statement to help my students understand that all “disorders” are collections of behaviors that we all do in some way. (I also have two children of my own with ASDs) My intention in doing it is to have them understand that the behaviors are not so uncommon. For example, when I talk about OCD, I ask them about things they do that are “OCD-ish” and then take them through the diagnostic criteria to show what does and does not break the threshold for diagnosis. I agree that the casual way that people use it, as you describe in the piece, can be problematic, but I think it can make people aware that whatever behaviors you might be talking about are not so far out of from the norm. My two cents.

    Reply

    1. Interesting. We recently had my son evaluated for autism and were told that he is sub threshold for diagnosis. It’s so frustrating to be in this position, because we are now just sort of left to our own devices to figure out how to deal with a kid who is, for lack of a better phrase, “almost autistic.” He still struggles with appropriateness and social cues and things. But not enough. :/

      Reply

      1. Sounds similar to my younger who for a few years had a “provisional diagnosis” that we think was largely based on the family history (older brother, first cousins on both sides). She was eventually given the pdd-nos label (no longer used in the US) and her issues, like her brother, are largely social and very mild behavior (some stimming, some repeating, some change centered rigidity). Good luck to you

        Reply

    2. Would that similar statement be along the lines of “everyone has/experience x but some people experience x higher”? My mother says that, she’s a social worker/counsellor.

      She said the former to me when my anxiety got debilitating and it was calming. It reaffirmed that I wasn’t alone in experiencing it but it didn’t belittle my struggle with it. Do you phrase similarly?

      Reply

  8. I do not claim to be on the spectrum but as a parent I do occasionally wonder if he has inherited certain characteristics from me or his dad. On a separate note an exercise I like to give my parents is to consider the judgement they attach to certain behavior. Instead I provide them with the view- if everyone was autistic and did this behavior, would you care? Most of the time this changes their perspective and how they deal with it.

    Reply

  9. Great article.

    I read a few days after I found out that I’m not the only autistic person in the family. Almost all of my family from my mother’s side has been diagnosed in the past 5 years (I’d lost contact), up to my maternal grandparents. It is suspected that even my great grandfather was on the spectrum.

    I wasn’t really making a point, but I just thought it would be interesting to share this.

    Reply

    1. I found the book, ‘The Autistic Brain’ by Temple Grandin really helpful to understand that there are significant and stark neurological differences between a Neurotypical brain and an Autistic one. Think for a moment that the Autistic brain is an Apple computer. This computer has to live in a world of Windows computers and it is fed Windows software. Then we wonder why the Apple isn’t functioning so well.

      Reply

  10. I think I’m catching on. The other day when you posted a short version of this on Facebook, I really didn’t get it. No one answered my questions there, which is fine, because I’m not the target audience/center of the world. But that example about depression did it for me. I deal with depression, as done my son. I think the biggest misperception people have is that it is “feeling sad” or “feeling really, really sad” and must involve a lot of crying. In reality, if I can cry, it means I’m coming up out of the depression, because I can feel something. At the depths, we don’t feel anything at all when we are depressed, and don’t care about anything. So if the “we are all a little autistic” feels like someone saying they know what depression is like, because they’ve been really sad, well, that’s something I don’t want to do.

    But then there is still the question that I and a few others asked on that Facebook post. To many of us, saying that in a moment that we see is awkward for someone else is a way of trying to say “I empathize with you. I may have an idea of what that feels like, to a much lesser extent”. Is saying that patronizing g? I don’t really know if what I e experienced is actually a small dose of what autosm’s Interactions with NT people feels like. I know that I was irritated the other day when someone told me she’d “hate” to make me do just what she wanted to do, and there have been many times I’ve been on the outside, because I just didn’t get the social cues. I have no idea if I’m autistic or not, but these experiences, and watching my son struggle, give me the idea that maybe I can empathize. If I want to empathize with a person so they don’t feel so awkwardly alone, what’s a better thing to say?

    Reply

    1. Hi. 🙂 I do like your idea of saying “I can empathise, to a lesser extent”. I think what people really want is to tell autistic people they’re not alone, which is a wonderful thing to do. But there’s a tricky difference between saying it in a way that sounds like “your problems don’t sound that special”, and in a way that sounds like “there are people who understand you”. Perhaps the phrase “you’re not alone” might work better than “we’re all a little autistic”.
      I suppose the best thing to do (as obvious as it sounds!) would be to simply listen to their perspective and their experience first. After that, it’s easier to gauge what kind of comments would be helpful. When someone listens to you it doesn’t necessarily mean they can empathise on the same level, but the simple act of being listened to makes us feel less alone.
      This might make an interesting discussion on the Facebook page actually- if you want, I can specifically ask “what would be a better way of showing empathy than ‘we’re all a little autistic’?” 🙂

      Reply

  11. Great writing, great read. I actually found this by Googling ‘is everybody a little autistic’ to find out how much truth there is to it, and I’m glad this is the first result I clicked on. As a former high school teacher, I’ve known and worked with several kids with autism (that’s where I learned to say ‘kids with autism’ as opposed to ‘autistic kids’). I’m definitely never going to say this ‘everybody’ phrase again, because thanks to this article I can now see how it’s a trivializing utterance. While reading I actually started feeling kinda bad for imagining myself somewhere on the spectrum. But then I reached the end and read the list of examples of life experiences that sort truer autistic struggles from imagined ones, and now I’m back to thinking I AM possibly on the high-functioning end of the spectrum, because so many of those struggles do apply in my life, particularly the misophonic and social ones. What makes this all very weird to me is how I didn’t always have these difficulties; they have amassed gradually over my 44 years. I’m a biologist so I know better than to draw even a hypothesis, let alone any conclusions, from my one data point, because that’s all it is. Still, I can’t help but wonder about any research out there discussing trends in autistic presentation over the course of lifetimes. I imagine a lot of people with little familiarity beyond watching Temple Grandin would just assume that coping and adjusting tends to get better, easier, after years of living among ‘normatives.’ But are there people whose autistic differences increase in quantity and severity, and can a person with no clear signs as a child become semi-diagnosable later in life?

    Reply

    1. Hi Audrey, thanks for the comment. I’m glad this was the first result you clicked too! 🙂

      There is a tricky balance between wanting the world to stop saying “we’re all a little autistic” and also not putting up barriers to those (like yourself) who feel they may be diagnosably on the spectrum. And it’s difficult to get right. So don’t feel guilty about suspecting you may be on the spectrum too. 😉
      I’ve heard of cases where autism symptoms become more noticeable with age. Then again, the reverse is true as well. Inconveniently, like most topics where autism is involved, it’s very much a case by case basis! But by the sounds of it, I’d certainly do your research and see if autism/Asperger’s is something you personally identify with (bear in mind it often manifests differently in females).
      Take care, thanks again,
      Chris

      Reply

  13. My family a while ago were trying to diagnose my nephew with autism just because he likes trains and is a little shy. He interacts fine with other kids his age. He was three years old. My family named his ordinary temper tantrums as a 3 year old as “meltdowns”. My sister said that “we are all a little autistic” and I tried to tell her how complicated autism really was and there was a lot more to diagnosis than that. I felt like my whole life had come under question and that all the suffering I had endured as part of being autistic, and basically others’ social expectations of me without me having the rulebook so to speak – was all worthless. I felt like nothing. My sister had a look on her face as if to say, “Don’t be so selfish and think of others besides yourself”. She missed the whole effing point. It *infuriated* me how they so carelessly used a label with a lot of weight behind it and dismissed who I *was* just like that. I might as well just slap myself every time I have an issue with relationships or interactions of any kind, because obviously my problems don’t even exist and I should just shut the F up and F off and just stop inconveniencing everyone. I should probably get over it soon enough as I’m just like everybody else. Wow, I wish somebody would have told me before how simple it was.

    Reply

    1. Urgh, really sorry to hear that. And I’m sorry your family’s attitude to autism is making you feel worse. Hopefully, if they do take your nephew to a doctor, s/he can help them understand what autism truly is and how it does (or doesn’t) impact people.

      Reply

      1. Hi, I really appreciate your reply, thank you. It’s nice to know that someone out there can word mostly how I’m feeling. It makes me feel less alone. I’m sorry I wrote that post when I was feeling quite upset.

        Reply

    2. I hear you Marianne, I am heartbroken for you that your family can not see the depth of difficulty that is involved with autism, that they minimise it to usual childhood behaviours.
      Sadly with so many parents doctor shopping over and over for a diagnosis, I doubt it will be as simple as one doctor saying no.
      Just yesterday a mum in our group, put down our paedeatrician, for not seeing autism in her son, the very paed that knew immediately and couldn’t be more of a support for my daughter. Yes she kept going until she paid for someone to agree he was autistic. 🙁

      Reply

  14. We are not in any way ‘all a little autistic’, despite many of the population having some traits in common with autistic people. There is a HUGE difference as you have said.
    Sadly for every child with a single autistic trait, families want a diagnosis, which undermines those who are autistic, every single day. Essentially it says, every child who has a quirk, goes through a period where they have a slight delay, struggles to the same level as autistic people. I fear in 30/40 years, every child will have a diagnosis and there will no longer be any understanding of actual autism.
    That bothers me so much more than simply words people incorrectly use.

    Reply

  15. Thank you, thank you, thank you CaptainQuirk! I am SICK TO DEATH of politically-correct so-called experts saying, “Oh, you can’t stand the feel of nylon furnishings or nylon curtains against your skin, therefore you are on the Autism spectrum”, or if I think a man wears a cut of suit well, then “You must be gay, don’t deny your true feelings – admit you’re on the gay spectrum and stop pretending to be straight – support us.”

    I think that as a great deal of us are so scared to admit how we feel about anything because it might ‘offend’ someone (even the law, in Australia!), it is little wonder the suicide rate is on the rise. The pendulum has swung too far the other way and, once again like Nazi Germany, it is a very dangerous time in which to live, and it will get worse – rather than having the freedom to say what we believe, we are forced to regurgitate what the State tells us it wants us to believe.

    Reply

  16. This is really interesting. I don’t have ASD but I am studying to be a teacher and work with lots of kids with ASD and I am super interested in how they learn and how I can best teach these students. The problem I find in society is the stigma attached to ASD, where it is such a negative label that parents refuse to admit their child has it, therefore stops them for getting extra support in daily life or funded support in schools. I’ve never used the phrase “we are all a little autistic” but it’s something I think can help with trying to take away the stigma of it being so negative and segregating these students. For example, I have a student I work with who hardly eats any food because he has issues with the texture of the food in his mouth and people think that’s weird. However, I have the same issue, it’s no where near on the level of this boy but I am a very fussy eater because I just can’t stand the texture of so many foods. However, because I don’t have the label of autistic, people just pass it off as me being fussy, but with this ASD boy it’s weird and he needs to get over it. I’m not trying to say that me and this boy have the same struggles, but it just makes me realize that hey, if I don’t like something, why is it weird for him not to like to too?
    I agree though, I hate when people are like “oh that’s just my OCD kicking in” when they have to colour coordinate some pencils or something. No, mate, OCD can be a crippling condition and isn’t a joke.

    Anyway, the way I see it is if we can get other people to understand that some of the tendencies of people with autism are heightened versions of what a lot of us can feel, maybe we can begin to break down some walls and be more accepting as accomodating. I definitely don’t want to trivialize people’s struggles by saying that everyone has a little autism, I just think if we can find a way to understand each other by recognizing our own quirks and tendencies then we can break down some walls.

    Reply

  17. I understand the message. People who aren’t autists belittle autists by saying such things because they do not realize what the autist has to deal with. It’s also a terrible feeling to be misunderstood.

    But I feel like there is an undercurrent of hypocrisy here.

    One does not need to be an autist to be socially inept. Or be bullied. Or be a social outcast. Or to attempt suicide. Therefore, one does not need to be an autist to be able to relate to autists in some aspects.

    If one seeks excuses to be inept, or depressed, then they may never come out from their hole. I don’t think it’s a good idea to wallow in victimhood.

    A phrase like “we are all a little autistic” is problematic for a pedant because it’s blatantly untrue. But so much speech is figurative… maybe it’s a great irony that such a phrase directed towards an autistic person cannot be interpreted properly for the very reason that an autist might have a hard time interpreting a figurative phrase. I have heard similar phrases said in completely innocuous circumstances, and the perpetrator knowing full well what autism is. It’s hard for some people to realize that their words can be very offensive to other people. It’s not always a case of ignorance.

    Reply

  18. We are all a little autistic as everyone (everyone i know of) has experiences some features of autism, hence ‘a little’. We get it, you’re on the extreme of autism which is why you are diagnosed with autism.
    Autism is not binary, there are many variables to autism.

    Reply

  19. I’ve been reading the book of “Crazy Rich Asians” and came across the words “A little bit autistic.” That is just wrong. When will discrimination against autism be called out the way racism and homophobia are? It’s 2021,not 1921,FFS. It’s time straight white normal people realised that and lifted their game accordingly. Because I am so over ableism it’s not funny. Autism is not a cute little joke for the “normals” to use as a throwaway comment.

    Reply

  20. In my understanding autism simply corresponds to the extreme end of a general spectrum, which makes the phrase “everyone’s on the spectrum” factually correct. It’s just that >90% fall into the non-autism/”allism” range, which is followed by pro/hypo-autism, where some autistic traits may be evident and at last the autism range.

    In my view, this spectrum boils down to the perceptive fidelity:
    • The NT majority processes the vast sensory raw signals with optimization for speed, relying heavily on fast approximation, which creates little more than a general outline.
    Since we are herd animals, the spared processing capacity is spent on interpersonal adjustment, which in turn allows for “collective perception”, where the individual effectively receives the missing details from peers.
    • The autistic perception in contrast processes the raw signals with a focus on accuracy and high sensitivity, analysing element after element until the complete picture can be synthesized. Very slow and tedious, which is the necessary price for really seeing with one’s own eyes.

    All things considered I strongly belief that nature created us mavericks to create the success story of our “überspecies” that combines the full benefits of herd animals with incredible adaptability

    Reply

  21. Thank you so much for this…it’s so hard to know how to articulate to help others understand 😟

    I’d also like to add to your list:
    If everyone were ‘a little autistic’, the sound, smell, temperature, lighting could be adjusted/controlled with ease to adapt to individual’s sensory comfort range wherever we are! 😉

    Reply

  22. You were being abused by your peers.

    It is a form of narcissistic behavior (which has prevalence in academia, and in some cases is a requirement as in order to “lecture ones audience”‘).

    And as serves purpose basically to belittle the person with disability whilst inflating one others ego towards “accidentally on purpose” (‘intentionally’) spending their lives being D-Bags.

    Reply

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